All of the Things You Said, Running Through My Head

A lot of things go through everyone's head. Whether they're good thoughts or bad, we have to live with them. Something very common in everyone's head would be the thought of re-doing something in their life. Either because they regret doing it, or just feel like they didn't do it right. Almost everyone wishes that they could change something they've done in their lives, and I can't blame them because I feel the same way too.

Out of everything that I've ever done in my sixteen years of life, I would have to say that the thing I would want to re-do the most would be a short time period of events that happened throughout seventh and eighth grade. Now, you may think that's a silly or petty thing to go back and re-do, but understand that everyone is different in what they regret in life.

During the end of my seventh grade year, I liked a boy very much, and so I decided to tell him that I liked him. That sounds pretty normal right? Wrong. The problem here was that the boy did not like me back, but instead lied to me that he did. I went on the whole summer thinking that this awesome boy liked me, and that was the first time that had really happened to me so I was ecstatic.  That was, right up until his cousin told me that it was all a fluke.

I was so upset that I could be so gullible, and how I could let myself get lied to so easily. Not to mention that I was already extremely self-conscious in seventh grade, so this whole "relationship" made my whole situation worse. Anyways, in eighth grade I texted him one night and he was really upset and so he apologized sincerely about the whole situation. At the time I could've really cared less because I was still upset with him, but I told him that everything was fine between us.

Little did I know that this would be the budding of our friendship. We talked everyday and every night for as long as we were able to text. It felt amazing to actually be getting to know this boy that I felt like meant so much to me. Immediately I starting really liking him, but once again something got in the way. He started taking a liking to one of the girls in the grade below us. She was similar to him in a few ways, but I thought she was just annoying. Suddenly all of our conversations were about her, and what he could do to impress her, or what he thought about her. The whole thing was just annoying and it made me kind of mad. Overtime I accepted it a little bit that I didn't have a chance with him, ever. That still didn't make me feel better though.

I can't remember too clearly what had happened between the two of them, but they had a harsh break-up and he was extremely upset about it. I tried really hard to make him feel better, and pick him up to put him back on his feet, and it worked. It worked significantly well, because now I was the girl who had been rebounded. I'll admit that to an extent I knew that I was on the rebound, but I didn't want to accept it. The feeling inside that I got from him being sweet and friendly and calling each other cutesy names was overwhelming, and I liked it.

We even discussed dating because we actually thought that we liked each other. Well, he thought that he liked me at least, because I knew that I liked him. The tricky part was that he refused to lose me again after the situation that had happened the first time between us. I honestly didn't know how to feel about the whole thing. Here I was practically waiting for him to make the move, and he wouldn't budge. But then again, it could ruin everything that I had fought so hard for.

What happens next? Something else comes in-between us. I guess I could've seen it coming because he had been acting differently towards me for a few days, and now there was another girl that he liked. I didn't like her at all. Not only because she was annoying, but because she wasn't a very nice person at all. They talked for a short time but they never tried anything together because she was supposed to be moving to a different school for high school.

One thing was different about this time though. I wasn't there for him this time, in any sort of sense. I had had it with the games that we would play. Honestly it was ridiculous for me to continuously sit around and wait for a boy who was never going to "come around" to liking me. I didn't text him, I didn't speak to him, and I didn't even talk to him during school.

Instead, I branched off and became a whole new different person. I liked new people and everything. During ninth grade we didn't really talk at all, but this year has been different. We're both in tenth grade now and we're really great friends. Honestly I didn't expect us to ever get to a point like this with everything that had happened between us. Surprisingly though, we're kind of still in the same exact situation.

Underneath all the wraps I still like him in some sense. But it's very different, it's almost as if I love him as a I would a brother. Honestly though, I think the only reason I feel that way is because I know I'll never have a chance with him. Either way: I'm still his best friend, and I'll always be there for him no matter what. That will always be what it comes down to, and he's one of the best friends that I've ever had.

Therefore, in a sense I guess I'm kind of glad that all of that stuff happened between us in the early years. Mainly because it got us to the point we're at now: friendship and peacefulness. However, even though they got me to where I am today I always look back and think about what would've happened if I wouldn't have made all of those decisions. Honestly, I have no idea.


                                                               ~Taylor

Quote me on that!

In today's blog, I am assigned to pick five quotes that apply to me. There are many quotes that I use in every day life. Things such as: "sucks to suck", or "life goes on". But the quotes I will be writing about today have a little more meaning than giving myself a laugh. These quotes are things that really apply to my life , and most likely other people my age. They're the quotes that lay the lessons on thick so that you get the "big picture" rather than a small image.

Without further a due, here are my quotes.

1. "You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there."
-This quote is very easy to get. Often times, we get caught up in everything life throws at us and we end up breaking down and getting upset because we think we can't handle it. What it really is, is that we're giving up a little too easy. No one ever said life would be easy, did they?

2. "People are more what they hide that what they show."
-I think this is a very common thing in adolescents. A lot of people feel very self-conscious because of who they are and what they're like. So what they do is they change themselves and only show others what they want to see. In a way, this hurts who you really are underneath it all. I promise you that you're perfect just the way you are. Also always remember that those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.

3. "The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too."
-I feel like this quote represents a number of people my age. Sometimes we end up liking someone so much that if they don't like us back we feel like we aren't good enough. Basically, our self-esteem takes a big hit. We need to remember that sometimes people aren't going to like you back, and that's just how life goes.


The final two quotes will be quotes that I've made up on my own. Not only do I have to make them up, but I can't have any help with making them up. So, let's get started.

4. "Nothing is infinite."
-This quote has a lot of meaning. We all focus on our looks and trying to be a certain way for everyone else. In all actuality, it won't matter anymore in a few years. You'll get older, you'll start a family, you'll make new friends, etc. Nothing will ever stay the same, ever.

5. "Don't doubt yourself."
-I actually use this quote quite a lot. Everyone has doubted themselves at least once in life when all you need to do is just believe in yourself to get through things.

~Taylor

Seven lessons learned

Today I am assigned to write about seven things that I wish someone would have told me before I was fifteen. Even though they are lessons that needed to be learned the hard way, it would've been easier to deal with them if we were warned about them beforehand.

Here are my seven things:


1. Don't over-promise and under-deliver
-I can't tell you how many times this rule has applied to me. So many times I have promised to do things because I thought I'd be able to, and then the ideas just fell through. Basically what you shouldn't do is take on too many things at once and then begin to slack off because you can't handle it. People will become disappointed with you and in turn you will be disappointed with yourself as well.

2. You don't need to be perfect for anyone
-This advice is definitely one of the most crucial things that you will ever need to learn in life. I know that not only myself, but also everyone else around me, has tried to make themselves perfect for everyone else. So many people try and buy the "perfect clothes", and the "perfect shoes", or the "perfect cars" just to impress everyone else. What everyone needs to realize, especially my age group and younger, is that you don't need to impress anyone at all. I still struggle with this problem now, but I think that if someone would've told me repeatedly that I was fine the way I was rather than not saying anything at all that it would've made the overall outcome a lot better.

3. Don't dwell on the past
-Everyone messes up in life. Mistakes are inevitable to get away from, trust me. Something new will happen everyday in life, so there's no need to try and dwell on what you've messed up on before. You just need to let it go and move on. That is truly the key to life.

4. Don't change for anyone
-When you're an adolescent, it's really hard to make everyone like you. One thing that people are guilty of, including me, is that they will change certain traits they have in order to make people like them. This is WRONG! You honestly don't need to change for anyone else because you're absolutely perfect the way you are. You might not think it now because you feel as if you desperately need to hang out with the "popular" people, but when you get older you'll realize that trying to change who you are was pointless.

5. Spend time with your family
-A lot of people will tell you this throughout your younger years and you might not listen to them. Yet, when you get older you'll realize that you really should've listened to them. You honestly never know how much time you get with a person. Therefore you should never take any time you get with them for granted.

6. Treat others as you wish to be treated
-I learned this lesson at a very early age. However, overtime there have been points in my life where I have violated this rule. You might think that calling someone stupid or ugly just once, or maybe even just jokingly saying it, won't hurt them at all. This is where you are very, very, VERY wrong. Think about how you would feel if someone said those things to you. It wouldn't make you feel very good would it? No, it wouldn't. So really try and think before you say things that could hurt someone else's feelings, because you can never take back what's already been said.

Finally, my last and most important lesson!

7. You cannot force feelings when they are unwanted
- This is by far the hardest lesson I've ever had to learn. The bottom line is that sometimes when you feel like you absolutely love a person, sometimes they aren't going to love you back in the same way. When you find out how they really feel, you'll cry about it, you'll be upset, and you'll probably feel like your whole world is ending because you feel hurt and betrayed by that person. However, this is only because you've forced your feelings on them when they didn't feel the same way. Basically the point I'm trying to make is that if someone isn't "into" you in the boyfriend/girlfriend aspect, then don't try and force those feelings on them because in the end you'll be the one who gets hurt. It's fine if someone doesn't love you back, and what's even better is knowing that that person isn't the only person out there for you.






                                                                ~Taylor

Seventeen

I sped down the stairs beside him. As if he wasn't going fast enough, he jumped off of the fourth step and stomped the concrete, giving him an even bigger advance ahead of me. Clearly he was overly-excited. It was my seventeenth birthday, and apparently he was the chauffeur to my "surprise". I finally caught up with him and we both opened the school doors at the same time. The cold December air hit us like a thick wall of ice. He slowed his stride now but took small breaks to look back and grin at me. He was one of my best friends, as he had been for four years. I would expect any other one of my friends to give me some kind of hint as to what the events of my birthday would be, but he wouldn't budge. I had asked the question over and over again, and I decided I'd try it once more "So are you gonna tell me where you're taking me?" Each time I asked it he gave me the same exact answer, "Nope." He turned to grin at me again and I cut my eyes at him, making his eyes light up and his smile get three times bigger. We checked both sides of the road and walked along the cross-walk at a steady pace. I had been parking in the lower parking lot for a year now and I still hadn't grown fond of the walk I had to take to and from my car everyday. But today was different, instead of walking to my car we were walking to Connor's.

His car was the third one down the row, and without a doubt one of the nicer ones. I walked straight towards the trunk and waited for him to unlock it. "Oh, we can't put our stuff in the trunk." he said. "Why?" It didn't make sense, he always puts his stuff in the trunk. "Because your birthday present is in there." A huge grin spread across his face. I walked around to the passenger side of the car and watched him as he jingled his keys around and then hit the button twice to unlock the door for me. He opened the door for me and helped me settle my bags in. When we were done he shut the door and went to his side of the car. As soon as he was in his seat, he cranked the car and blasted the heat. It was thirty-seven degrees outside and we were practically freezing. 

"Find something good on the radio," he said quietly. That was funny, usually he didn't like listening to music when he was driving because it gave him time to think without any interruptions. To make a compromise I turned the radio to 93.9 and Duran Duran was playing. Out of my peripheral vision I saw him nod his head in approval. He backed up slowly and then eased the car out of the gravel parking lot. Surprisingly, there wasn't much traffic to get through today so we made it up to the hill in a record time. 

The officer at the top of the hill stopped us. I reached for the nob on the radio and turned it down about three notches. I sat up in my seat and stared at him until he smiled and looked back at me. "What are you going to ask now?", he said jokingly. I grinned a little, "Can I have a hint?". He laughed and eased the car forward, "You know the answer to that," and that I did. Connor never gave me hints about anything. I rolled my eyes and looked away. "It's cheating if I give you a hint." He said it in such a sarcastic voice. I turned the radio back up and positioned myself so that I was looking out the window. The sky was grey and it looked depressing. Why did my birthday always have to be on a day when the weather looks depressing? My mind wandered to a million different topics until I was pulled back to reality by the sound of the turn signal. I looked over and realized he had turned his right turn signal on. Confusion spread over my face, and before I could even ask my own question he turned smoothly, and softly said "Your mom told me that you needed to go by the house first." "Oh," I sounded so awkward "well that's fine I guess." We both laughed at how sheepish my voice sounded. Duran Duran faded into a song by Lifehouse, "First Time". This was where the compromise came in, because we both liked this one. 

He adjusted his speed and broke the silence with a simple question, "So are you excited?" I laughed. I didn't quite know how to answer his question. One part of me wanted to say yes, and another part wanted to say no. I wasn't expecting some big party because I was only turning seventeen. My parents saved the big stuff for the big years. Instead of giving myself a headache with over-thinking it, I answered just as simply as he had asked, "I don't really know." He shook his head a laughed until his face turned red. "What?!" I asked. "You're seventeen, and you aren't excited?" "I'm excited about being seventeen, yes. But I'm not so thrilled at the thought of what awaits me," a million thoughts ran through my head. "Don't stress it. I promise it isn't bad." That was the reassurance I needed. 

He pulled into my driveway and parked right beside my car. I stepped out into the cold air again and took my stuff out of the backseat. We made our way to the porch and I searched for my keys. My cat was waiting for me as soon as I stepped inside. "Hey be-be!" Connor closed the door behind me and then followed me up to my room. Immediately I knew something was about to happen, because my door was closed. I turned to him and he was already smiling, "Open it" he said. I put my door on the handle and eased the door open. Nothing popped out, and nothing was different. I walked in and walked to the window to turn on my lamp. I sat my stuff in the floor and turned around. He was leaning up against the doorway looking right back at me, still smiling. That was when I realized there was a clothing bag laying across my bed. "I'm guessing that I have to wear whatever is in that bag?" "You are correct," he walked over to me and laid a small box on my bed "your mom told me to give you that before you started getting ready. You have an hour, so you should probably try to hurry. I'll wait downstairs." I nodded my head in approval. He walked off and shut the door behind him. Before he even got to the bottom of the stairs he called up to me "Oh yeah, Taylor," I walked to open the door and turned the light on so I could see him in the stairwell "your shoes are in the box at the end of the bed." "Oh, gotcha. Yeah that could have been a problem." "Nah, we would've found them eventually." He laughed and walked away, "Remember, only an hour!" I heard him open the fridge and I walked straight to my bathroom to plug my curling wand up. I left the light on and I walked back to my room. I honestly didn't know which gift to open up first. I started with the clothes. 

I unzipped the bag and it revealed a deep purple satin dress; it was beautiful. I took it out of the bag and held it up against my body while I looked in my mirror. The dress had a thick one shoulder strap, and a waist-line marker. It even had pockets. I slipped into the dress within minutes and wandered to the end of my bed to see what my shoes looked like. I opened the box to a pair of dark purple heels. They had small purple jewels all over them, and a platform under the toe. They fit perfectly, and I had come to the conclusion that I was in love. I had been so caught up in what I was wearing that I almost forgot about the box Paul gave me. I sat on my bed and opened the box. A note sat on top that read "To my beautiful daughter on her seventeenth birthday, I love you sweetheart!" I smiled and moved the note. A brand new infinity necklace and ring sat before me. This had to be, by far, the best day of my life I thought to myself. 

I looked at the clock and realized I only had twenty-three minutes left. I took off my shoes and rushed to the bathroom to curl my hair. It only took me fifteen minutes to curl my hair, and it looked absolutely perfect. I walked back to my room and put on my new necklace, ring, and shoes. I only glanced at myself in the mirror, and then I walked to the doorway. I had learned one too many times that heels were dangerous with my staircase, so immediately they came off. I rushed down the stairs and told him I was ready to go. Once everything was off I locked the door and walked back to the car. He unlocked the doors again and quickly opened mine for me since he got there before me. Then he walked to the trunk and pulled out a sparkly pink bag, that was my gift. I sat in the car and closed the door behind me. He pulled the door open and hastily sat down, quickly cranking the car to turn on the heat. I looked at him and he handed me the bag, "That's your birthday present from me. I hope you like it." I smiled, "Thank you." I opened the bag easily and pulled out a big clump of tissue paper. A small sparkly clutch laid at the bottom of the bag. I smiled again. "It matches!" He laughed at my amusement. "I know," he said "that's why I got it." 

We eased out of the driveway and headed up town. We didn't say anything until we passed through the second stoplight and turned onto the main road. We were heading towards Raleigh. He adjusted his speed to sixty and finally turned down the heat a bit. "So you never really answered my question," he said expecting an answer. "What question?" I asked in confusion. "Remember, I asked you if you were excited to be seventeen?" "Oh! That one! I remember that one," how could I not remember that one, it was the only question he had asked me all day "and I remember giving you an answer. I said I didn't know." He smiled a little because he knew I was being sarcastic. "Well did you ever come up with a real answer?" We both laughed. "Yes I did actually. I'm very excited to be seventeen. It kinda feels weird though, I feel old." He shook his head,"You're not old. You're definitely getting there though!" He turned to me and his face was lit up with redness and laughter.

Before I had time to laugh, it had already started. In an instant, it was if everything had stopped, and in the split second it took to happen, all I would ever know slipped through my fingers. Connor's body jolted forward and hit the steering wheel. Before the feelings could even register in my brain, I felt glass cutting in my skin and my body flinging forward. I laid on the hood and I could feel the warmth running down my side, it was blood. It was getting harder to breathe, and everything was blurry. Through my pain I tried to move and look for him. I looked up at him and tried calling his name and his body remained still. I could see his eyes, they were still open and looking my direction. He was completely lifeless. I whispered his name once and fell back to the position I was originally in. Another piece of glass had shoved its way into my stomach. I felt a tear move from my eye to the hood of the car and the dizziness took over as I gasped for breath. I moved slightly and closed my eyes while I cried my last tears and took what I knew were my last breaths. I looked up once more to see the grey skies, and then shut my eyes with a final hitched breath. Everything was quiet. 

                                                                 ~Taylor